Updated: Jun 2
Master Manifester - Part 1
💫Manifesting your hearts desires using gratitude is an old magical technique. Long before The Coven was born, my Coven Sister, Angelina had been speaking that language to me for a couple years. But I wasn't ready. I struggled with the whole concept. How is it possible that 1. I could be grateful for things I don't have yet (and may never have as far as I saw it) and 2. even if I could be grateful for things I don't have yet, how would that make any difference?? I was afraid if I did believe the things I desired would come to me, and then they didn't- the disappointment would be way more painful. Regardless, it just didn't make sense to me. So I wallowed - in pain of the past and fear of the future. And unbeknownst to me (even though Angelina had been telling me 🤦🏼♀️) this was manifesting my fears into reality.
3️⃣0️⃣I realized the summer before my 30th birthday that I wanted to be a mother. I had always believed that I would struggle to get pregnant. The intense fear of not being deserving of what I wanted most led me to this belief. So I convinced myself that I would struggle to conceive and that it may never happen for me. Joe who was my boyfriend at the time, had been clear that he was not ready for marriage and certainly no where near ready for children. He was in a low paying job working up to 80 hours a week for up to 3 months at a time with no day off! He felt he wasn't qualified to do anything else and wouldn't be hired by anyone at a decent wage. I knew he was capable of more, but believed he would never leave that job. I was working as a psychic medium for a metaphysical healing center a few shifts a week and was not making much money at all. To me this meant we would never be able to afford to live anywhere but our shitty, tiny 1 bedroom apartment. These intense fears and beliefs manifested into reality. I had no idea (again🤦🏼♀️ Sorry sister!) I was giving my powerful energy to that idea. Feeding it. Growing it. Making it true.
😧So, at 29 I had decided my fate. I would struggle with infertility. Every time someone I loved fell pregnant, I wanted to be happy for them and sometimes I was. But even when I was, man, oh man did it ache in the deepest part of my core. That longing was huge. It owned me. I was committed to a particular outcome that I had decided on as a young girl. Marriage with the house and white picket fence and 3 kids by the time I was 25. I was still clinging to and mourning a dream that would never come to be. I had no idea that The Universe had a better plan for me than I could have ever imagined.
Master Manifester- Part 2
👰Joe and I got married on August 17, 2013. And he decided he wanted children -someday😧. I was 32 years old. I felt that the clock ⏰was ticking. In the summer of 2014 we decided to stop preventing pregnancy. If it happens, it happens. But I was CERTAIN it wouldn't. In January 2015 we started actively trying. In came all the supplements, the temping, ovulation test kits, the endless research! Becoming pregnant or rather the fear that I wouldn't took over my entire life. Every month I was let down. Every month I "failed" us.
🧘♀️In July 2015 Angelina introduced to Deepak Chopra & Oprah's 21-Day Meditation Challenge: Manifesting Grace Through Gratitude. During this mediation challenge, I had a dream of holding my baby🤱🏼. I was in a hospital room, sitting in the bed and someone handed me this baby with these dark and serious eyes blinking at me. The baby had very dark hair. I remember this so vividly and shared the dream with my closest people. I had decided it was a sign, maybe even a premonition.
🌕I started actively practicing the Law of attraction - (Finally, I know). Amazing miracles began to take place almost immediately! Joe walked through his fear and left a job he had been at for almost 17 years for a better paying job in August. We found a two bedroom apartment that September that was more than double the size of the apartment we had been in for 8 years. I did a full moon release and manifestation ritual on the beach with Angelina during September's Supermoon Lunar Eclipse. I attempted to release my fears of the future and to manifest some money and a baby.
🎂On my and Joe's shared birthday, (October 16th) I thought for sure I was pregnant! I had to be - I'd been practicing the Law of Attraction, I'd done the ritual, we were moving into a 2 bedroom at the end of the month, and it's our birthday!!! I went to see the nurse practitioner at my primary care doctor. She came in the room with my blood work results and told me they were negative for pregnancy. I crumbled. I began to cry inconsolably. I explained how I desperately wanted to be a mother and how I had no insurance to cover fertility testing and treatment. I started to think that maybe the Law of Attraction really was bullshit and my good fortune over the recent months had been coincidental.
She believed I have PCOS(Polycystic ovarian syndrome - one of the many symptoms is infertility). She said I should see her husband, who was an infertility specialist. She said she would call him and let him know that I would be making an appointment and that he would bill the appointment so it would be covered. So, even though my insurance wouldn't cover it, in December I finally got into see that doctor. He confirmed the PCOS diagnosis and wrote me a script for a medication to help me get pregnant. Much to my relief, without insurance it only cost me $12!!! I knew most people need multiple on this medication, but regardless I visualized and I was grateful for the baby that wasn't in my arms yet.
Master Manifester - Part 3
🎄Christmas Day 2015 came and I was sure the medication didn't work. I felt so defeated. It was a really painful day. But on the Monday after Christmas I got my first positive pregnancy test of my life! I was really going to be a mom! I manifested this little life into being!!!! I'd like to clarify that I now believe that had I not been in such fear that I may have become a mom years earlier. However, I do not regret a single part of my journey to becoming a Master Manifester and ultimately a mother.
🤰In early August 2016, my landlords let us know that they had sold the home we were living in and we had to move. We only had about $250 in the bank and I was due in less than a month! They were aware and felt awful. Full blown panic took over. After coming unglued for about an hour, I remembered I was a Master Manifester and that I am loved and taken care of by The Universe. My landlords then called and offered us $5000 to help with moving expenses. WOW!
🤱Nathan was born almost a week early on September 3, 2016. We knew we needed to move by the end of October. I visualized the home I wanted. Even though it seemed outlandish for the budget we were working in, I knew I could manifest anything. I mean look at all I had manifested in the last year! New jobs, cars, homes, pregnancy and so many other smaller gifts. So, I imagined a beautiful first floor apartment near my home town, with at least 2 bedrooms, a yard, and maybe even a small work space where I could see clients. Well, low and behold I found an apartment that had all the features I had been manifesting, but it was better than anything I could have imagined!
🙏There have been way more things that I have manifested since then. Too many to go into here. But, what I have learned is that I AM POWERFUL. What that means for me is when I am focused on my fear, I end up manifesting my fears. When I focus my energy on gratitude, and really FEEL grateful, amazing gifts come to me. Things usually better that what my limited mind had planned. I talked about some of that in last weeks piece, Reborn. I have also discovered along this journey that my ability to manifest in my own life is dramatically enhanced by helping others manifest their desires!
🍂My birthdays have always been a challenging time for me. I have struggled with depression in September and October for as far back as I can remember. Even though I love the season of fall and all the leaves and pumpkins and beauty. The transition away from the warm weather has historically brought sadness to me. A very good friend who I greatly admire (who is on a plane to Thailand right now to train as a Muay Thai Fighter) and respect recommended I read Gabrielle Bernstein's Super Attractor. She has recommended other books by this author in the past in addition to other inspiring self help books, but I'm thick headed. I need the same suggestion for a few years before I take it. 📖This time I did. This book reminded me of everything I knew was true. I felt renewed.
✍It also challenged me to think about what I truly desire to be doing with my life. It inspired me to start writing again. Writing is something I haven't done for many many years, but something in always loved doing. The telling of my story in this way has opened doors for me to help others heal! People have been contacting me with their own "me too" versions of the experiences I describe on this page and I couldn't be more grateful. Doing readings and reiki for others is what I'm meant to do. It's how I am called to help the world around me heal and in turn how I am healing myself. I am a Master Manifester and I AM GRATEFUL!💫🌌💫